Today has been four months since my life was upended. Why? Because four months ago today my children were taken from me. My son was subsequently returned, but not my daughter. So for four months, I’ve been allowed to see my baby girl for one hour a week, recently increased to two, on Fridays. If you have children, you can probably only image the pain you’d feel at losing them. My saving grace through it all has been faith and trust that only God can get me through. And the fact that I know she will one day come home. I can only imagine the pain that parents feel at the loss of a child, knowing they’ll never again see them until their days in heaven. At least I get to see mine, and know we’ll be a family again one day. It’s just a matter of time, and not for me to decide. I have so many feelings, I can’t even describe. But I know that God is in control. I don’t know where my path will lead, or how things will go. I have to explore every option that comes my way, and trust that whatever happens is what God intended.
For months I’ve come close to saying things in my blog that I didn’t know if I should say. And there’s a lot that I still won’t say, as there is still a lot going on in court as a result. But I’ve decided as long as I stick to facts, there no reason not to share a little about me and what I’m going through, in the hopes that maybe someone out there will find comfort in knowing they’re not alone.
As for my faith, it’s taken me a while to get to this place. Yes, I was raised in church, knowing there was a God. I’ve always believed, but never truly lived. I wanted to raise my kids in church, teach them to know Him, but I didn’t. I really don’t know why. I had thought about baptism, but could never bring myself to follow through. I know now that I just wasn’t ready then.
So when all this started, I was blessed by an unsuspecting person giving me something, something that said “You need God!”. And at that moment, I knew. I knew I had to rely on Him, put my faith and trust in Him. But for the next two months, I still didn’t put my full faith in Him. I did what I thought was right, but I wasn’t praying about it, I wasn’t asking forgiveness, I wasn’t asking for guidance. A week before I started this blog, everything changed. I had a wake-up call. I realized that I wasn’t following His lead. I started journaling, I started praying, I started believing. And it was only then that I found true peace.
You know, I’ve always believed everything happens for a reason. But when you’re in so much pain, that you can’t see why, it’s really hard to see how what’s happening could be a blessing. But I do. I believe everything has happened for a reason. It hurts, I’m not going to lie. But I believe that we have to feel pain sometimes to experience true joy. I’ve made mistakes, and this wake-up call has opened my eyes to all that was wrong in my life. I hate that this is what it took. I hate that we are having to go through such great pain to find that peace and joy. But it’s enabling me… to find happiness, to find strength, to find and realize my dreams. And it’s forcing me to seek out exactly what I’m here to do. So with that, I continue to pray and trust that God will find a way for me. And I know I owe it all to Him!
Those who love me, I will deliver; I will protect those who know my name. When they call to me, I will answer them; I will be with them in trouble, I will rescue them and honor them. With long life I will satisfy them, and show them my salvation. ~Psalm 91:14-16
Running Free 