I never really thought I was stuck until today. In some ways, maybe, but I thought I pretty much had it all figured out. I realize though, that just because I’ve turned it over to God, and I have faith and trust in Him, and I’m pretty happy, that doesn’t mean I’m not stuck in other ways. Given my current situation, I realize that in a way I am still stuck in my life.
I went to church this morning instead of last night due to Founder’s activities. Willow teaching pastor Darren Whitehead was speaking from John chapter 5.
5:1 Afterwards there was a Jewish feast, and Jesus went to Jerusalem. 5:2 By the sheep gate in Jerusalem there is a pool which is called in Hebrew “Bethesda”, having five porches. 5:3 In these lay a large number of people who were sick, blind, lame, or paralyzed. 5:5 One man had been sick for thirty-eight years. 5:6 When Jesus saw him lying there, and knew that he had been sick for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to be healed?” 5:7 The sick man answered, “Sir, I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred up. While I am trying to get in, someone else gets in before me.” 5:8 Jesus said to him, “Stand up, pick up your mat, and walk.” 5:9 Immediately, the man was healed, and picked up his mat and walked.
See, this is why I enjoy going to church. Instead of just reading the Bible, and seeing how Jesus healed this broken man, the teaching helps me understand how this story applies to now. My life. The blind are not just those that literally can’t see, but maybe those, like myself, that need to see their vision, their dreams for life. The lame are not just those that are physically ill, but those that are feeling other pain, like myself, due to circumstance. The paralyzed are not just those that have no feeling in their limbs and can’t move them, but those that are numb in other areas of their body and life, like myself. I realize all of these people are within me. I still don’t know exactly what my calling, my dream in life is. I have dreams for myself, but I don’t know if that’s what He wants for me. I feel a lot better about myself, I’m not unhappy all the time, but even when I’m happy I still feel a lot of pain. And I think the reason I don’t feel pain sometimes, and why I seem to be strong, is because I’m just numb, paralyzed, within. Sometimes things are just too much to bear, and I become numb to it all.
I know God has a plan. He has a way for me to get through. I trust in Him. But I still have a lot of unanswered questions. I often feel like I’m just fumbling through. Do I really have a grasp on everything that I think I do? Or am I just being blind? What IS my vision? Am I really in tune with my feelings? Or am I just burying them to appear strong and together? I know there’s a lot of pain within me. That I DO know. I recognize it, and I remind myself to turn it over to Him. I can’t remove the pain, there’s too much that hurts. But God can take it from me. I know that. Perhaps I need to stop second guessing myself. I tend to do that a lot. Have faith in MYSELF, and confidence! I know I’m in control of ME. As for the pain and questions and all that is within? God has control of that, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll get some answers soon. And healing.
Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. ~Matthew 11:28